I‘d like to thank the Class Marshals for inviting me here today. The last time I was invited to Harvard it cost me $110，000， so you’ll forgive me if I‘m a bit suspicious. I’d like to announce up front that I have one goal this afternoon： to be half as funny as tomorrow‘s Commencement Speaker， Moral Philosopher and Economist， Amartya Sen. Must get more laughs than seminal wage/price theoretician.
Students of the Harvard Class of 2000， fifteen years ago I sat where you sit now and I thought exactly what you are now thinking： What’s going to happen to me？ Will I find my place in the world？
Being here today is very special for me. I miss this place. I especially miss Harvard Square-it‘s so unique.
It’s particularly sweet for me to be here today because when I graduated， I wanted very badly to be a Class Day Speaker. Unfortunately， my speech was rejected. So， if you‘ll indulge me， I’d like to read a portion of that speech from fifteen years ago：
“Fellow students， as we sit here today listening to that classic Ah-ha tune which will definitely stand the test of time， I would like to make several predictions about what the future will hold：
I believe that one day a simple Governor from a small Southern state will rise to the highest office in the land. He will lack political skill， but will lead on the sheer strength of his moral authority.
I believe that Justice will prevail and， one day， the Berlin Wall will crumble， uniting East and West Berlin forever under Communist rule.
I believe that one day， a high speed network of interconnected computers will spring up world-wide， so enriching people that they will lose their interest in idle chit chat and pornography.
And finally， I believe that one day I will have a television show on a major network， seen by millions of people a night， which I will use to re-enact crimes and help catch at-large criminals.”
And then there‘s some stuff about the death of Wall Street which I don’t think we need to get into….
The point is that， although you see me as a celebrity， a member of thecultural elite， a kind of demigod， I was actually a student here once much like you. I came here in the fall of 1981 and lived in Holworthy. I was， without exaggeration， the ugliest picture in the Freshman Face book. When Harvard asked me for a picture the previous summer， I thought it was just for their records， so I literally jogged in the August heat to a passport photo office andsat for a morgue photo. To make matters worse， when the Face Book came out they put my picture next to Catherine Oxenberg， a stunning blonde actress who was accepted to the class of 85s， but decided to defer admission so she could join the cast of“Dynasty”. My photo would have looked bad on any page， but next to Catherine Oxenberg， I looked like a mackerel that had been in a car accident.
You see， in those days I was six feet four inches tall and I weighed 150 pounds. Recently， I had some structural engineers run those numbers into a computer model and， according the computer， I collapsed in 1987， killing hundreds in Taiwan.
After freshman year I moved to Mather House. Mather House， incidentally， was designed by the same firm that built Hitler‘s bunker. In fact， if Hitler had conducted the war from Mather House， he’d have shot himself a year earlier.
A lot has happened in fifteen years. When you think about it， we come from completely different worlds. When I graduated， we watched movies starring Tom Cruise and listened to music by Madonna. I come from a time when we huddled around our TV sets and watched“The Cosby Show”on NBC， never imagining that there would one day be a show called“Cosby”on CBS. In 1985 we drove cars with driver‘s side airbags， but if you told us that one day there’d be passenger side airbags， we‘d have burned you for witchcraft.
But of course， I think there is some common ground between us. I remember well the great uncertainty of this day. Many of you are justifiably nervous about leaving the safe， comfortable world of Harvard Yard and hurling yourself headlong into the cold， harsh world of Harvard Grad School， a plum job at your father’s firm， or a year abroad with a gold Amex card and then a plum job in your father‘s firm.
But let me assure you that the knowledge you’ve gained here at Harvard is a precious gift that will never leave you. Take if from me， your education is yours to keep forever. Why， many of you have read the Merchant of Florence， and that will inspire you when you travel to the island of Spain. Your knowledge of that problem they had with those people in Russia， or that guy in South America-you know， that guy-will enrich you for the rest of your life.
There is also sadness today， a feeling of loss that you‘re leaving Harvard forever. Well， let me assure you that you never really leave Harvard. The Harvard Fundraising Committee will be on your ass until the day you die. Right now， a member of the Alumni Association is at the Mt. Auburn Cemetery shaking down the corpse of Henry Adams. They heard he had a brass toe ring and they aims to get it.
Imagine： These people just raised 2.5 billion dollars and they only got through the B’s in the alumni directory. Here‘s how it works. Your phone rings， usually after a big meal when you’re tired and most vulnerable. A voice asks you for money. Knowing they just raised 2.5 billion dollars you ask，“What do you need it for？”Then there‘s a long pause and the voice on the other end of the line says，“We don’t need it， we just want it.”It‘s chilling.
What else can you expect？ Let me see， by your applause， who here wrote a thesis. （applause） A lot of hard work， a lot of your blood went into that thesis... and no one is ever going to care. I wrote a thesis： Literary Progeria in the works of Flannery O’Connor and William Faulkner. Let‘s just say that， during my discussions with Pauly Shore， it doesn’t come up much. For three years after graduation I kept my thesis in the glove compartment of my car so I could show it to a policeman in case I was pulled over. （act out） License， registration， cultural exploration of the Man Child in the Sound and the Fury...
