There is nothing so foolish, when you are at the expence of making an entertainment of this kind, as to order things so badly, as to let your criticks and gentry of refined taste run it down: Nor is there any thing so likely to make them do it, as that of leaving them out of the party, or, what is full as offensive, of bestowing your attention upon the rest of your guests in so particular a way, as if there was no such thing as a critick (by occupation) at table.
--I guard against both; for, in the first place, I have left half a dozen places purposely open for them;--and in the next place, I pay them all court.--Gentlemen, I kiss your hands, I protest no company could give me half the pleasure,--by my soul I am glad to see you--I beg only you will make no strangers of yourselves, but sit down without any ceremony, and fall on heartily.
I said I had left six places, and I was upon the point of carrying my complaisance so far, as to have left a seventh open for them,--and in this very spot I stand on; but being told by a Critick (tho' not by occupation,--but by nature) that I had acquitted myself well enough, I shall fill it up directly, hoping, in the mean time, that I shall be able to make a great deal of more room next year.
--How, in the name of wonder! could your uncle Toby, who, it seems, was a military man, and whom you have represented as no fool,--be at the same time such a confused, pudding-headed, muddle-headed, fellow, as--Go look.
So, Sir Critick, I could have replied; but I scorn it.--'Tis language unurbane,--and only befitting the man who cannot give clear and satisfactory accounts of things, or dive deep enough into the first causes of human ignorance and confusion. It is moreover the reply valiant--and therefore I reject it; for tho' it might have suited my uncle Toby's character as a soldier excellently well,--and had he not accustomed himself, in such attacks, to whistle the Lillabullero, as he wanted no courage, 'tis the very answer he would have given; yet it would by no means have done for me. You see as plain as can be, that I write as a man of erudition;--that even my similies, my allusions, my illustrations, my metaphors, are erudite,--and that I must sustain my character properly, and contrast it properly too,--else what would become of me? Why, Sir, Ishould be undone;--at this very moment that I am going here to fill up one place against a critick,--I should have made an opening for a couple.
--Therefore I answer thus:
Pray, Sir, in all the reading which you have ever read, did you ever read such a book as Locke's Essay upon the Human Understanding?--Don't answer me rashly--because many, I know, quote the book, who have not read it--and many have read it who understand it not:--If either of these is your case, as I write to instruct, I will tell you in three words what the book is.--It is a history.--A history! of who? what? where? when? Don't hurry yourself--It is a history-book, Sir, (which may possibly recommend it to the world) of what passes in a man's own mind; and if you will say so much of the book, and no more, believe me, you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysick circle.
But this by the way.
