Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions._I_ allus did, and if I know my own hart, I allus will.My daughter, who is goin' on 17 and is frisky, says they's disgustin.And speaking of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very entertainin' old feller, and they visit us frekently, specially on Sunday evenins.One young chap--a lawyer by habit--don't cum as much as he did.My wife's father lives with us.His intelleck totters a little, and he saves the papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legislater.The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble well.He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear; but as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words, I may say he reads slow.Wall, whenever this lawyer made his appearance I would set the old man a-reading the Legislativ'
reports.I kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock listenin to a lot of acts in regard to a drawbridge away orf in the east part of the State, havin' sent my daughter to bed at half-past 8.He hasn't bin there since, and I understan'
he says I go round swindlin' the Public.
I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct.I shall never attempt agin.I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's healths; and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, Icontinnerd drinkin' their healths until my own became affected.Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at night with consid'ble licker concealed about my person.I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' sum cranky observations of Mrs.Ward's in the mornin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud woice, I sed, "Betsy, you need reorganizin'! I have cum, Betsy," I continued--crackin the whip over the bed--"I have cum to reorganize you! Haave you per-ayed tonight?"* * * * * * * *I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootiv times; and when I woke up I found she had.Ihain't drank much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out.
My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustained a good character.She's a good cook.Her mother lived to a vener'ble age, and died while in the act of frying slapjacks for the County Commissioners.And may no rood hand pluk a flour from her toomstun! We hain't got any picter of the old lady, because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the meejum of the illusterated papers; but as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly, I don't s'pose they'd publish it, any how.
It's best to give a woman considerable lee-way.But not too much.A naber of mine, Mr.Roofus Minkins, was once very sick with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard while she was cleanin' house.I toald Roofus this wasn't the thing, 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently; but he said he wanted to giv his wife "a little lee-way." That was 2 mutch.
I told Mrs.Minkins that her Roofus would die if he staid out there into the rain much longer; when she said, "It shan't be my fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him his mother's Bible.It was orful! I stood by, however, and nussed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, Itell you.
There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to.I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm.
Remember me kindly to Mrs.Wales, and good luck to you both!
1
among which I hope there'll be Twins--you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'.
It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view.I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as a cab'net offisser does, & I understand my business a good deal better than some of them do.
Respecks to St.George & the Dragon.
Ever be 'appy.
A.Ward.
End The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 3by Charles Farrar BrowneWith a biographical sketch by Melville D.Landon, "Eli Perkins"
