At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and inquired if "Old Wax Works" was on bored.That was the disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me."Becawz if Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a double-breasted lobster, "we're going to hang Old Wax Works!""My illustrious and patriotic Bummers!" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf my Shappo, "if you allude to A.Ward, it's my pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded.He saw the error of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful tabloos to slow moosic! His last words was: 'My perfeshernal career is over! I jerk no more!'""And who be you?"
"I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss.I'm going up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern Army."This was satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf.
At the next station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed she must git out there.I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions."Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger bred!"I sed.She thankt me muchly and tript galy away.There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm afraid I shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in the shape of a nice young gal.
At the next station I didn't get orf so easy.I was dragged out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for the purpose of "takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher kindly stated.
I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin me, put his nose into my mouth.I returned the compliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face.Actooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the shoulder.We then vilently bunted out heads together for a few minutes, danced around a little, and sot down in a mudpuddle.We riz to our feet agin and by a sudden and adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist.We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss wagon.I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and Iconclooded I would.He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in the hed.The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the lafture come in.I riz and we embraced agin.We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the upper hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen.He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard.Iunderstood he was injured.I haven't heard from the grindstone.
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a apology was doo me.There was a mistake.The crowd had taken me for another man! I told him not to mention it, and axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station "20minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid.It was the hartiest meal I ever et.
I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crackers bein tied to my coat tales.It was a fine spectycal in a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it.I had other adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? Why lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things? Suffysit to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last.I made tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her only a few months afore.But I went into the pantry, and brought out a certin black bottle.Raisin it to my lips, Ised "Here's to you, old gal!" I did it so natral that she knowed me at once."Those form! Them voice! That natral stile of doin things! 'Tis he!" she cried, and rushed into my arms.It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon.I cum very near swoundin myself.
No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present bad fix.
2.3.FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.
Delivered July 4th, at Weathersfield, Connecticut, 1859.
[I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and discriminating awjince.I was 96 minits passin a givin pint.
I have revised the orashun, and added sum things which makes it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be.Ihave also corrected the grammers and punktooated it.I do my own punktooatin now days.The Printers in "Vanity Fair"offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.]
FELLER CITIZENS: I've bin honored with a invite to norate before you to-day; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to the task, I'm sure you will believe me.
Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and patritism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address you on this my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, causes me to feel--to feel--I may say it causes me to FEEL.
(Grate applaws.They thought this was one of my eccentricities, while the fact is I was stuck.This between you and I.)I'm a plane man.I don't know nothin about no ded languages and am a little shaky on livin ones.There4, expect no flowry talk from me.What I shall say will be to the pint, right strate out.
I'm not a politician and my other habits air good.I've no enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge.But I'm a Union man.
I luv the Union--it is a Big thing--and it makes my hart bleed to see a lot of ornery peple a-movin heaven--no, not heaven, but the other place--and earth, to bust it up.Toe much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily respectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce from her now.
