1.14.AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.(Some queer people, calling themselves "Free Lovers," and possessing very original ideas about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a few years since.Public opinion was resistlessly against them, however, and the association was soon disbanded.)Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner to the breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio.I had hearn that Berlin Hites was ockepied by a extensive seck called Free Lovers, who beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domestic ties without no hesitation whatsomever.They was likewise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral principles.If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by showin them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of admitants, methunk, I shell not hav lived in vane.But bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place.I sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for to congregate around the door.A onreer set I have never sawn.The men's faces was all covered with hare and they lookt half-starved to deth.They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose (as they sed) of allowin the free air of hevun to blow onto their boozums.Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits and they was bare-footed.They sed the Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they? That was their stile of argyment.The wimin was wuss than the men.They wore trowsis, short gownds, straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton umbrellers.
Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself at the door.Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trowsis was shameful to behold.
She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed, in a wild voice:
"Ah, can it be?"
"Which?" sed I.
"Yes, 'tis troo, O 'tis troo!"
"15 cents, marm," I anserd.
She bust out a cryin & sed:
"And so I hav found you at larst--at larst, O at larst!""Yes," I anserd, "you hav found me at larst, and you would hav found me at fust, if you had cum sooner."She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and brandishin her umbreller wildly round, exclaimed:
"Air you a man?"
Sez I, "I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address Mrs.A.Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pade, & she will probly giv you the desired informashun.""Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid?""Madam, I istest!"
The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the arm and hollered:
"You air mine, O you air mine!"
"Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her.But she clung to me and sed:
"You air my Affinerty!"
"What upon arth is that?" I shouted.
"Dost thou not know?"
"No, I dostent!"
"Listin man, & I'll tell ye!" sed the strange female; "for years I hav yearned for thee.I knowd thou wast in the world, sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare.My hart sed he would cum and I took courage.He HAS cum--he's here--you air him--you air my Affinerty! O 'tis too mutch! too mutch!" and she sobbed agin.
"Yes," I anserd, "I think it is a darn site too mutch!""Hast thou not yearned for me?" she yelled, ringin her hands like a female play acter.
"Not a yearn!" I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin her away from me.
The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene commenst for to holler "shame" "beast," etsettery, etsettery.
I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare tent stake, I addrest them as follers: "You pussylanermus critters, go way from me and take this retchid woman with you.I'm a law-abidin man, and beleeve in good, old-fashioned institutions.
I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me if I am a showman! Ithink your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents, besides bein outrajusly wicked.Why don't you behave desunt like other folks? Go to work and earn a honist livin and not stay round here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the moral atmosphere with your pestifrous ideas! You wimin folks go back to your lawful husbands if you've got any, and take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis, and dress respectful like other wimin.You men folks, cut orf them pirattercal whiskers, burn up them infurnel pamplits, put sum weskuts on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin the sile." I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I got out of breth, when I stopt.
I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not if I live to be as old as Methooseler.
1.15.A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG.
It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember, since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of Jold.
While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum noble red men of the forest (N.B.This is rote Sarcasticul.Injins is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I was their Brother, & wanted for to smoke the Calomel of Peace with me.Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop.Durin the Cheaf's techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin Grounds.If he duz thare will be a fite.But enuff of this ere."Reven Noose Muttons," as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent into him, cussycally obsarve.
I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time.At Camp Scott there was a lot of U.S.sogers, hosstensibly sent out there to smash the Mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games.I got acquainted with sum of the officers.Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my wax figgers agin the hull party.
My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, so Icalled on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the mormins and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle breezis.He lookt at me in a austeer manner for a few minits, and sed:
"Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculateness of the Mormin Church and the Latter-day Revelashuns?"Sez I, "I'm on it!" I make it a pint to git along plesunt, tho I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at.
