BARRIERS SWEPT AWAY
"Anne," said Leslie, breaking abruptly a short silence, "you don't know how GOOD it is to be sitting here with you again--working-- and talking--and being silent together."They were sitting among the blue-eyed grasses on the bank of the brook in Anne's garden. The water sparkled and crooned past them; the birches threw dappled shadows over them; roses bloomed along the walks. The sun was beginning to be low, and the air was full of woven music. There was one music of the wind in the firs behind the house, and another of the waves on the bar, and still another from the distant bell of the church near which the wee, white lady slept. Anne loved that bell, though it brought sorrowful thoughts now.
She looked curiously at Leslie, who had thrown down her sewing and spoken with a lack of restraint that was very unusual with her.
"On that horrible night when you were so ill," Leslie went on, "I kept thinking that perhaps we'd have no more talks and walks and WORKS together. And Irealised just what your friendship had come to mean to me--just what YOU meant--and just what a hateful little beast I had been.""Leslie! Leslie! I never allow anyone to call my friends names.""It's true. That's exactly what I am--a hateful little beast. There's something I've GOT to tell you, Anne. Isuppose it will make you despise me, but I MUST confess it. Anne, there have been times this past winter and spring when I have HATED you.""I KNEW it," said Anne calmly.
"You KNEW it?"
"Yes, I saw it in your eyes."
" And yet you went on liking me and being my friend.""Well, it was only now and then you hated me, Leslie.
Between times you loved me, I think."
"I certainly did. But that other horrid feeling was always there, spoiling it, back in my heart. I kept it down--sometimes I forgot it-- but sometimes it would surge up and take possession of me. I hated you because I ENVIED you--oh, I was sick with envy of you at times. You had a dear little home--and love--and happiness--and glad dreams--everything I wanted--and never had--and never could have. Oh, never could have!
THAT was what stung. I wouldn't have envied you, if Ihad had any HOPE that life would ever be different for me. But I hadn't--I hadn't--and it didn't seem FAIR.
It made me rebellious--and it hurt me--and so I hated you at times. Oh, I was so ashamed of it--I'm dying of shame now--but I couldn't conquer it.
That night, when I was afraid you mightn't live--Ithought I was going to be punished for my wickedness--and I loved you so then. Anne, Anne, Inever had anything to love since my mother died, except Dick's old dog--and it's so dreadful to have nothing to love--life is so EMPTY--and there's NOTHING worse than emptiness-- and I might have loved you so much--and that horrible thing had spoiled it--"Leslie was trembling and growing almost incoherent with the violence of her emotion.
"Don't, Leslie," implored Anne, "oh, don't. Iunderstand-- don't talk of it any more."
"I must--I must. When I knew you were going to live Ivowed that I would tell you as soon as you were well--that I wouldn't go on accepting your friendship and companionship without telling you how unworthy Iwas of it. And I've been so afraid--it would turn you against me.""You needn't fear that, Leslie."
"Oh, I'm so glad--so glad, Anne." Leslie clasped her brown, work-hardened hands tightly together to still their shaking. "But I want to tell you everything, now I've begun. You don't remember the first time I saw you, I suppose--it wasn't that night on the shore--""No, it was the night Gilbert and I came home. You were driving your geese down the hill. I should think I DO remember it! I thought you were so beautiful--Ilonged for weeks after to find out who you were.""I knew who YOU were, although I had never seen either of you before. I had heard of the new doctor and his bride who were coming to live in Miss Russell's little house. I--I hated you that very moment, Anne.""I felt the resentment in your eyes--then I doubted--Ithought I must be mistaken--because WHY should it be?""It was because you looked so happy. Oh, you'll agree with me now that I AM a hateful beast--to hate another woman just because she was happy,--and when her happiness didn't take anything from me! That was why Inever went to see you. I knew quite well I ought to go--even our simple Four Winds customs demanded that.
But I couldn't. I used to watch you from my window--Icould see you and your husband strolling about your garden in the evening--or you running down the poplar lane to meet him. And it hurt me. And yet in another way I wanted to go over. I felt that, if I were not so miserable, I could have liked you and found in you what I've never had in my life--an intimate, REAL friend of my own age. And then you remember that night at the shore? You were afraid I would think you crazy. You must have thought _I_ was.""No, but I couldn't understand you, Leslie. One moment you drew me to you--the next you pushed me back.""I was very unhappy that evening. I had had a hard day. Dick had been very--very hard to manage that day.
Generally he is quite good-natured and easily controlled, you know, Anne. But some days he is very different. I was so heartsick--I ran away to the shore as soon as he went to sleep. It was my only refuge. Isat there thinking of how my poor father had ended his life, and wondering if I wouldn't be driven to it some day. Oh, my heart was full of black thoughts! And then you came dancing along the cove like a glad, light-hearted child. I--I hated you more then than I've ever done since. And yet I craved your friendship. The one feeling swayed me one moment; the other feeling the next. When I got home that night Icried for shame of what you must think of me. But it's always been just the same when I came over here.
Sometimes I'd be happy and enjoy my visit. And at other times that hideous feeling would mar it all.
